Frequent Kidnapping Card
by InvisibleJediMaster
Summary: In which Roxanne uses her Frequent Kidnapping Card to get Megamind all to herself and tell him what she really wants (him). (megarox of course)


_Megamind is not mine._

* * *

Being the Damsel was the best and most irritating part of Roxanne's life, and it all came down to the kidnapping. The bad? Getting sprayed in the face with knockout gas, carried off in (usually) the invisible car, and tied under/next to/in front of/against a supervillain's latest death trap was the greatest interruption to her regular day-to-day activities. The good? She was powerfully infatuated with the supervillain that kept kidnapping her for use in his plots and she got to see him every instance her role as Damsel came into play.

Like now.

Today's plot was _spee-ai-der_ based—or spider-based if you weren't Megamind (but this was Megamind's plot, so...)—and Roxanne was bound by silken white ropes in the middle of a giant synthetic _spee-ai-der_ web. The web was stretched across a pit that she couldn't see the bottom of (because she couldn't turn her head far enough to look), but which probably had spikes or something. Directly above her was a large machine with its barrel aimed just above her head. Roxanne had no idea what the machine did—she (and almost everyone else on the planet, she suspected) didn't have the technical know-how to figure it out. She would have to wait for Megamind to explain today's evil scheme to guess at its purpose.

Fortunately, the supervillain always waited for her to wake up before starting his banter, threats, and/or ultimatums (which often hinted, if they didn't say outright, what the device of the day would do). Roxanne wasn't sure why, because she never screamed for the hero to come save her like a good damsel (not even when he prompted her), but she suspected he enjoyed exchanging quips with her just as much as she did.

That thought made her happy every time it came up. A lot of things about Megamind made her happy. His sense of humor, his cleverness, his persistence (she once spent nearly a week doing research, based on a suspicion, and learned that Megamind had escaped prison more times than any other villain on record by a significant margin), how he would go out of his way to avoid hurting civilians; the list went on.

Sometimes he flirted with her while they bantered, usually before he contacted Metroman. It was always teasing, and had shocked Minion before the fish got used to it.

Sometimes he would be incredibly thoughtful and postpone a kidnapping; when she was sick, or because of that one family reunion in Washington.

Sometimes he would be adorably unpredictable and endearing. That was the Frequent Kidnapping Card.

Several months ago, Roxanne made a smartass remark about villainous customer service perks and she received a blue envelope under her front door a week later. Inside was a small black card; on one side, the words 'Frequent Kidnapping Card' were embossed in fine silver script, and on the other, twelve empty silver rings. She kept it on her person until the next time she was kidnapped—

 _"Megamind, what is this?" Roxanne managed to shimmy the card out of her pocket in spite of her restrains and twisted it to face Megamind._

 _"Oh good!" Minion was closer to her, so he took the card. "Look, Sir, I told you she would bring it! I'll just stamp this..." He wandered out of view._

 _"That, Miss Ritchie, is your new Frequent Kidnapping Card. Bring it to twelve kidnappings and you may redeem it for anything you wish." He looked at her expectantly, waiting for a reaction._

 _"Anything? Like what, a pony?" The stereotypical 'Can I have a—' item was the first thing that popped into her mind, so that's what she said._

 _Megamind's expression turned baffled. "You want... a pony?"_

 _"Hell no, that's just an example." Bafflement became relief. "Ponies are equine evil incarnate. Mean little almost-horses. I don't want a pony. Don't get me a pony." A pony once bit her sister. Her family used to own a few ponies, and the less said about it, the better._

 _Minion returned in the silence that followed and presented Roxanne's card to her, circle side forward. The top left one had a metallic blue lightning M stamped inside it. "So, what do I get when all twelve are full?"_

 _"You can ask for anything. Within reason."_

 _She could ask Megamind for anything? The possibility of anything made her mind go blank. After a wordless pause, she asked, "Can I think about it?"_

 _She would remember this conversation later when The Equestrinator was unleashed._

—and now the card was full! The card was full, she knew what she wanted, and she had a plan. "Hey Megamind!"

"I will be with you in just a moment, Miss Ritchie!" Brainbots started barking in a burst of bowgs—"Hold still!"—and then went mostly silent. Roxanne waited until she had his attention. "Yes? Is there something you needed?" He crouched at the edge of the pit and looked down at her.

"My Kidnapping Card is full. I want to cash it in."

Silence. From the way he blinked at her (slowly, like he was replaying her statement in his mind), she figured he hadn't expected her to say that. Or he was double-checking the number of kidnappings. A wicked smirk bloomed across his face next. "And what is your desire?"

 _Deep breath, Roxanne. Don't freak out, don't freak out..._ She wasn't sure if she was sending that advice to Megamind or herself. But she had this thought, it absolutely refused to leave her mind, and she was going to voice her request and see what happened. "Next time you break out of prison," because there was no question that he would go to prison (via the Metroman Express) and no question that he would escape, "come to my apartment."

Megamind's jaw dropped slowly in disbelief. "You—"

When he didn't keep talking, Roxanne repeated herself. "When you break out, come to my apartment."

•∆•∆•∆•∆•∆•∆•

So. She _may_ have thrown off the whole _spee-ai-der_ Webs of Woe thing. Megamind stumbled through his banter, dropped the dead-man switch twice before he 'activated' it, and only made a single token escape attempt before letting Metro City's hero fly him to prison. The whole time he kept glancing at her with an unfamiliar look on his face.

With that reaction, she really wasn't sure he would come, but Roxanne tried not to worry about it. Megamind would escape when he felt like it and either appear as summoned or not appear.

April Fools Day distracted her from her worries enough that she got to be surprised by discovering him when she came home that afternoon. Minion was actually who she found first. When Roxanne couldn't find her keys in her purse right away, she let her head fall against the door with a thok, and that made enough of a knocking sound that Minion came and opened her door for her. She stared at him long enough to make him start to fidget while his presence in her apartment registered.

Roxanne could not control the grin that crossed her face. "Hi, Minion!"

"Hello, Miss Ritchie!" He stepped aside to let her walk in. "Um, welcome home?"

She nearly skipped inside. Minion was in her apartment! He was in her apartment and not kidnapping her, which meant—

"Roxanne Ritchie." Her name rolled from his blue lips as if he savored saying it. Electricity ran down her spine. "I am here as requested."

"You came," she said, breathy and half whispered. She rushed up to hug him and he froze. " _Megamind_. Thank you thank you thank you—" an extra squeeze to cap off the hug before she let go to hold him at arm's length.

"You seem. Really happy? To see me?" Megamind looked lost and confused.

"Yes. _Yes_ , I am very happy to see you. I—well, I've been trying to figure out how to tell you this for months now, and it never seemed like the right time and—" _Roxanne, Megamind is here in your apartment, just shut up and do it already!_ "—and—aw, hell with it." She let go of his arms to grab his shoulders with care for the spike-covered collar. "I like you, Megamind. I really, _really_ like you." And her hands moved again, this time to gently cup his face as she leaned forward and kissed him earnestly.

For one heartbreaking moment, he didn't react, but Roxanne wasn't exactly giving him a quick peck on the cheek. He had ample opportunity to respond, and respond he did. His lips molded themselves to hers, his head shifted slightly to the side for a better angle, and his arms rose to wrap around her in a soft embrace.

Roxanne didn't know how long they kissed because, for that time, Megamind was the only thing in the world that mattered. For that time, he _was_ her world.

Eventually they had to separate. They couldn't kiss forever. When Roxanne opened her eyes again, she gazed at Megamind and flicked her tongue across her lips. Megamind tasted faintly sweet; sugary, like frosting. The big-headed genius had a glazed expression, but he was looking at her like—

— _like he had seen the heavens._

 _"Alte-re,"_ he murmured reverently, before his eyes sharpened, and suddenly his face was frantic. "Evil gods above, that was—that— _Roxanne_ , but—" He loosened his arms, letting her go, but didn't step away. "Miss Ritchie, while that was... _agonizingly_ great... I have to ask. Why, when you have a boyfriend—when your boyfriend is _Metromahn_ —would you—"

"I don't have a boyfriend." Cutting him off was rude, but she wanted to end that erronious belief as quickly as possible.

And now he looked upset, but not because she interrupted. "Did you two just break up?" Upset on her behalf?

"No. We were never a couple. Never! We don't even spend very much time together. Most people just assume that we're dating because that's what the hero and damsel _do_." Roxanne caught his hands in her own and held them. She could feel him trembling faintly and wanted to hug him again but knew she needed to give him a minute to think first.

"Really?" His voice quivered, though she could tell he tried hard to suppress that.

"Really." Her voice was steady and sincere.

Their hands squeezed and then they were kissing again— _he_ was kissing _her_ this time—and the rest of the world fell aside. Megamind's kiss was harder than Roxanne's, more desperate (but not forceful, Megamind was never forceful with her) and she tried to reassure him with her lips (pressing back) and her posture (leaning in) as much as possible.

Neither of them noticed Minion retreat to Roxanne's kitchen to give them privacy.

The second time left them breathless and blushing when they were forced apart by the need for air. "Miss Ritchie," Megamind asked quietly, "what does this mean?"

"It means, I've had feelings for you... for a long time. It means I think you're attractive. And it means I need to know how you feel in return, because I would really like You and Me to become We." With that statement, her show of bravery faded into shy uncertainty. Her confession was essentially complete, and now the situation was in his hands. "What do you think?" she asked gently. They were still so close, so near each other post-second-kiss, that their noses were mere inches apart.

"I—Miss Ritchie—Roxanne—can I call you—is it alright if I...?"

"You can call me Roxanne." If this was how Megamind was reacting, maybe Roxanne should have done things a little differently? In a different order, at least? But she might not have worked herself up to telling him her feelings if she hadn't kissed him, and she might not have kissed him if she tried to explain her feelings first. _Too confusing_. It was Roxanne's fault that Megamind was so scatterbrained now, and she really hoped he didn't flee. "Would you like to sit down?" She nodded towards the couch. Hopefully that would help... somehow?

Megamind sat rigidly, his back ramrod straight. Roxanne kicked off her shoes to sit down with her legs folded beneath her and facing her guest. She took one of his hands with both of her own and started stroking the back of it with her thumbs, heedless of the glove. His eyes caught on their hands, momentarily captivated, before rising to her face. "Roxanne, I... I've dreamed of this for a very long time. Of you and I, together. But I don't understand! How—how is this possible? How could you want—why would you ever want—a, a—someone like me?" His long fingers wrapped around hers tightly. Roxanne had a feeling he thought she would disappear like morning mist if he didn't hold on.

"You aren't dreaming now, Megamind, and I'll be here for you for as long as it takes you to realize that." He dreamed about her, too? "As for why... It seems odd, doesn't it? For me to like the person who routinely kidnaps me. But I pay attention. I've noticed the lasers that aren't quite pointed at me, the death traps just out of range, the safety nets and ropes tied like a harness. I've watched the count downs, just long enough for Metroman to arrive, and the 'unexpected technical glitches' that delay things when he doesn't come soon enough. I've seen the brainbots ferrying civilians away, chasing them and acting menacing but doing no more damage than scraped hands and knees and ripped clothing." All that and more she'd witnessed of Megamind's character beneath his villainous facade. "Did you know I look forward to you escaping prison?" Megamind's twitch at the shift in topics could have been called a double-take if he'd looked away from her at some point. "I don't try very hard to get interviews with you there even though other reporters go because I don't like seeing you trapped."

"I thought that was because—you see me often enough against your will." He winced, more than a little guilty.

"Not at all." Roxanne hummed. "I would see you more often if I could." Megamind looked painfully confused. "Oh, stop—" she was still rubbing his hand "—I like looking at you."

"But why!?" There was a tiny crack in his voice as he said 'why'.

"Well, I said earlier..." Roxanne's face flushed hot but she didn't look away from him. "I think you're attractive."

"But I'm not normal! My physical appearance, and—Roxanne, I _am not human._ " Below the disbelief, Roxanne heard anguish. It was old anguish, deep with the kind of personal history usually left buried. He tried to pull his hand away.

The next instant, Roxanne was hugging Megamind tightly. 'Not human,' he said, but he was, and the only real difference between him and the human species, the unimportant difference— "Genetically."

"What?"

"Only genetically, Megamind. You're as human as the rest of us the ways that really matter." She felt the hitch in his breathing, the way it caught in a silent sob. "In heart. In mind." She released the hug to touch her forehead to his. "As for normal... normality is overrated." Roxanne smiled, hoping to lift his spirits with a little levity.

Megamind caressed her face. "Roxanne."

"You may not _technically_ be human," she made sure to stress that word, and said the next part in a haughty tone, "but you are a person. Just like Minion is a person! Minion isn't human, isn't even _humanoid_ , but I like him anyway because that doesn't matter." A scene from Finding Nemo with Bruce the shark appeared in her mind and Roxanne had to stifle the tangent before she lost track of her train of thought. "And you," she let their nose tips rub together affectionately, "are a person I like a lot. From your giant blue head to your little blue toes. Tendency towards evil shenanigans included."

"How are you so perfect?" Barely a whisper on the still air, Roxanne wasn't sure Megamind realized he'd spoken aloud. "Can I kiss you again?"

They did. This time it was patient, and Roxanne enjoyed the sensation of Megamind holding her head in his hands; his thumbs brushing her cheeks, palms cupping her jaw, and fingers resting lightly on her neck.

Slowly they drifted to a stop. "How do you feel?"

"How do I—I feel happy—happier than I've felt in a long time. I don't remember the last—" Roxanne caught one of Megamind's hands as they dropped away from her face— "This is real, right?" —and tugged at the fingers of the glove. Not sure why she was doing this, Megamind helped her pull the long glove off his arm anyway. Roxanne discarded the leather piece onto the couch beside her and lifted the unconcealed blue hand back to her face, right where it had been. With one hand holding his in place, she moved her other hand to his own face, inside the collar, in the same position. Megamind flushed violet.

"Yes, this is real. This is really happening. I promise."

"I don't know how to... I never thought this would really happen to me." Roxanne tilted her head against his hand and enjoyed the tingling that trailed behind every swipe of Megamind's thumb on her cheek. His hand was slightly cooler than her own, his face and neck were warmer, and his blue skin was smoother.

The pleasant sensations ultimately did not distract her from pondering Megamind's words. '...never thought this would really happen...' Did he think that because he was the villain? But some villains were known to have romantic partners (most of whom were also partners in crime). _Maybe it was... what?_ Roxanne wasn't sure where she was going with that. "I never thought I'd want to date a supervillain. Then I met you."

"You want to _date_ me?"

"Will you, Megamind—" the fourth kiss was brief, just a quick peck on the lips between words, "—Incredibly Handsome Criminal Genius and Master of All Villainy—" the fifth kiss was the same, "—consider me as your girlfriend?"

Their sixth kiss (witnessed by Minion when he peeked into the room just in time to see), as Roxanne moved her hand to the back of Megamind's head to better pull him closer and Megamind enclosed Roxanne with his arms around her shoulders and back, blew all the others out of the water. It was the kind of kiss that, had they both been standing up instead of sitting on Roxanne's couch, would have seen Megamind supporting Roxanne as they both bent like dancers. The kiss of a princess when saved from a terrifying dragon by a knight; of a hero and his true love when the villain's grievous plot is foiled; of the lost when they are finally found by the one person they missed above all others.

A kiss of salvation.

"Yes."

* * *

 _Originally titled This Is (Not) A Prank before it went completely off track. Also on tumblr._

 _Partially written for setepenre-set._

 _Please review._


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